I know a lot of you will write this off as one of those “silly jokes” of mine, but it is quite serious. It may sound quite trivial, but let it happen to you and you will know that it is not a laughing matter, and it is also important!
During my childhood days (as if I’m that old), my mom used to say that there were people on admission at the hospital, and the doctors just want them to fart (yes, fart!) so they could be discharged. I used to laugh a lot at this statement, and wrote it off as a joke. I even shared it as a joke a few times and it worked. But a recent incident proved to me that it was not a joke, not at all!
I was in a meeting, and I had a funny feeling in my tummy. I know that feeling; there was air willing to come out. However, I was enjoying what the resource person was saying so much that I decided to “keep it” (after all, I can do it later right?). I still felt those feelings, and I ignored them, thinking they’d come back later, after I was done with the meeting. I know a few people who’d “release it” there and then, but I am a gentleman you know! (Being gentle comes with a price!)
Well, meeting over, here I was trying to bring it back (sounds funny right?), that was when it decided to “flex” me.
Nonsense, if you won’t come, stay there!
I got my mind off it, went home, ate, and slept (of course I took a shower!). The next day started nicely, and I left off to “pick my moves” as usual. The morning was quite fine; it was fine until early afternoon when I felt a slight ache in my stomach. It wasn’t the usual feeling I knew. This one was different. I managed to finish everything and headed home. By the time I got to my neighbourhood, it was quite irritating. So, I stopped by the pharmacist to buy a sachet of Liver Salts, thinking it was “one of those things.”
The Liver Salts didn’t bring help. By the time I got home, I was feeling sorry I didn’t release it the day before. I still didn’t take this thing seriously, so I drank a lot of water after eating and went straight to bed.
As if I slept.
Man, I haven’t felt so miserable all my life. All I wanted to do was FART. No, don’t laugh, it’s serious. I
managed to sleep a little. It was just turning me around on my bed and I was really in pain. I hoped it would be over by morning, but, chale, it was worse. I couldn’t stand straight, and all this while, my prayer to God was to open the “floodgates” so I could just release it and feel free. I had to walk slowly to the pharmacy to buy drugs, I got there around 7 30am, and she hadn’t opened yet. (This means I had to go home and come back later!)
I bought food, hoping the food will force this nemesis in my stomach out, nah, it didn’t work. I went home lied down a bit, and came back after close to an hour. The Pharmacist was there, but she was on the phone. Man! I couldn’t stand. I’m sure she was talking to her sweetheart or something, cos she kept quite long. It was not until I bent over that she realised I was dying from you know what! (and that was after 5 minutes!)
I bought some tabs, which later proved useless. Then I realised this was serious. I told my dad it had gotten worse, so he asked me to see a pharmacist friend of his, and he put me on medication. It took me about four days to finally do what I had to do, and when it came, it was small. Ah! Come big so I can feel free but “petit a petit,” is that not it? So I began to cherish the small ones and hope for bigger ones. FINALLY, the breakthrough came and it was quite sizeable.
I’m way better now.
But I’ve learnt a few things which I’d love to share, you can do it, or leave it. But when it happens to
you, don’t say I DID NOT TELL YOU.
1.Watch what you eat. This is very important. And the times you eat. (At least know when and when not to eat.)
2.Never ever keep it. No matter who or where you are. No gentleman business please! Get out quietly, and let it rip!!
3.Wait a bit before going back in, so people will not know what you have been up to. However, if you can trust yourself that much, you can let out a “youssssouffff” (don’t ask me what it is) in there, but these are usually harmful, they can knock someone unconscious, so exercise restraint.
4.Feel good after doing it, cos after all there are people on admission because of that!
5.And if it ever happens to you, welcome to the club!
Tswa, omanye aba!